I used a craft knife on my arm. The next day, I could not believe what I had done
Last updated 13:41, Thursday, 06 March 2008
The trigger – there’s always a trigger for self injury – could be anything... bullying, sexual abuse, depression, or the ill-health or suffering of a loved one. SIS is only small but demand for its services has grown since it started operating in 2001. Last year 217 people were counselled, ages ranging from 13 to more than 60.
And once it starts, the cutting and burning can be so difficult to stop.
It can start early. In the past year, Self Injury Support in North Cumbria (SIS) has offered advice to primary schools in the region and has counselled a 13-year-old.
And it can continue for years: one of those helped by the charity in recent months was older than 60.
Ruth Lax is service co-ordinator for the group based in Milbourne Street, Carlisle.
She says the causes are usually deep emotional trauma that causes “a big black hole inside” and it is a way of coping with that stress.
“It is such a wide-ranging problem and very long-term for some people,” she adds.
Mary Hillery was a drunk teenager the first time she cut herself.
“I was 16 at the time. I was clinically depressed, though I didn’t realise this until later,” she says.
“It was a form of self-punishment.”
The daughter of a GP, she had a happy middle-class childhood in Essex and had nothing to be depressed about.
“It was a way of punishing myself for not having a good reason for feeling depressed,” she reasons.
“It was a way of seeing the pain I was feeling inside.
“It makes it feel more real if you can see the pain.”
Mary, who now lives in Workington, had been thinking about injuring herself for some months and the combination of drink and an intense feeling of loneliness finally pushed her to do it.
“I used a craft knife thing on my arm.
“The next day, I could not believe what I had done, I was quite disgusted with myself.
“I told a friend and they were quite shocked but we did not speak much about it.”
But if she felt such disbelief and disgust at cutting herself, how could she do it again?
“Once you have done something, it is easier to do it again.
“And I had it in my head that I deserved to be punished.
“For some people it becomes a daily thing, for me it was more spontaneous – twice a month or once a week – or I would go three months without.
“It was at times of high stress, and not always with drink.”
Her parents found out about the self injury episodes more than a year later.
She got drunk at school just before her A-levels and while staff were questioning her, she told them about injuring herself.
Mary looks younger than her 26 years and despite the seriousness of the subject, she peppers the conversation with dry, self-deprecating one-liners.
Listening to her in a room streaming with bright spring sunshine, it’s hard to think of her being in such a black place, so often.
There is a wry smile as she explains: “When my parents were told, they were more angry about my smoking.
“I was allowed to sit my A-levels because otherwise, I was a model pupil.”
She used to wear long sleeves to hide the scars on her arms but during one family holiday to America she wore a short-sleeved top.
“My parents said ‘what on earth happened to you?’ and I said I had fallen on a fence.
“I’m not sure how much they believed me but I suppose you don’t want to believe someone you love is deliberately harming themselves.”
“Looking back on it, I don’t know how I hid my arms for so long.
“It started concerning me more when I self-harmed without drinking. The first time was at university in Hull.”
The episodes lasted until she was 23.
She cut her arms, leg, stomach and foot using knives, scissors and glass and also burned herself with cigarettes.
About 10 per cent of admissions to UK medical wards are as a result of self-harm.
Women are at the most risk of self-harming between the ages of 15 and 19; men, between 20 and 24.
Figures from SIS users reveal that 61 per cent are aged 13 to 25, 28 per cent age 25 to 40 and 11 per cent 40 to 70.
Some 90 per cent are female.
Self injury is not ‘attention seeking’ nor an attempt at suicide – it can be a way of averting suicide.
And it is a common misunderstanding that those who cut themselves also want to cut others but this is far from the truth.
For some, part of the reason for injuries is to try to show the pain that is being felt inside – to externalise the inner torment.
Feelings that can lead people to injure themselves include self-hatred, fear and anxiety, guilt and shame, powerlessness over things that are happening around or to them, feeling alone unloved and comfortless and feeling unreal, numb and cut-off.
There are more than 30 currently on the waiting list – a record for the organisation.
And an increasing number of clients are coming from the west of the county.
“We are getting a lot more inquiries from Workington, Whitehaven and Maryport, about one third of all inquiries,” says Ruth.
Most referrals are made through GPs, schools, social services and voluntary agencies, such as Cumbria Alcohol and Drug Advisory Service.
“We get a lot of professional people coming to us, asking how to deal with this problem when it presents itself – schools and colleges and recently from Royal Victoria Infirmary in Newcastle.
“The schools that approach us are mainly secondary schools but we have had the odd primary school.”
Orange ribbons were distributed by SIS throughout schools to mark Self Injury Awareness Day which is held annually on March 1.
Counselling is carried out on a weekly basis and usually in hour-long sessions but counselling is not time-limited and some of the first clients when the group started in 2001 are still receiving help.
There is an adult support group and a youth support group run by people who have experience of self-harm.
“They can keep coming for as long as they feel the need, everyone is different,” insists Ruth.
Those who self-harm also often have a drugs problem.
“It is a way of self-medicating when you have emotional problems.
“You look for some way of dealing with the pain, or several ways of dealing with the pain, one of which is self-harm.”
Hopefully, the increase in people being seen by SIS counsellors is down to the fact that more of us are prepared to admit to self-harm and want help, rather than an increase in the problem.
Self-harm is often connected with anorexia and bulimia and Ruth adds: “It does not have such a high profile, it is where anorexia and bulimia were 20 years ago, when they were not talked about.
“Self-injury has such a stigma and they feel very ashamed of what they do.
“We need to raise awareness and people need to know we are out there if they need help.”
Part of the problem with self-injury is that it could happen to anyone, and can be difficult to detect.
Mary is content to talk about her experiences and give some idea of the reasons for this troubling trait and even show the white tracer line scars on her left forearm but is keen to point out that everyone has different reasons for self-harm.
The Cumbria County Council worker stresses that people who self-harm are not always suicidal and that injuring yourself is not a step towards killing yourself.
And the severity of the scarring does not always mean that some people are more distressed than others.
“Some people who self-injure don’t get many scars at all.
“Just because someone has a scratch doesn’t mean they are any less depressed than someone needing 50 stitches,” she insists.
Happily, with the help of husband Al, whom she met at university, Mary now has a more stable life and last self-injured more than three years ago.
She has worked with self-injury charities in the past and is now looking to work with SIS.
“My husband’s first reaction to my self injuring was to say ‘cut me rather than cut yourself’ but it does not work like that, you don’t want to take a knife to someone else,” she says quietly.
“It has been eight years since we met and it has been a journey together.
“I’m finding better ways to cope with things.
“Charity work helps, it is a way to give back.”
SIS North Cumbria is urgently looking for a voluntary treasurer with business experience. Anyone interested should contact Ruth Lax on 01228 515500.
You can raise money for Self Injury Support in North Cumbria every time you search the web by using www.everyclick.com/selfinjurysupportinnorthcumbria whenever you search the web.
For more information on self injury, go to the national self-harm network at: www.nshn.co.uk; www.scar-tissue.net and www.siari.co.uk
