One mad year over, get ready for the lunacy of the next one

Last updated 11:29, Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Thank you all for staying behind after what has been a long and challenging school year. I would like to thank all staff for their hard work.

Before we avail ourselves of the opportunity to nibble the raw diced vegetables and imbibe the additive-free apple juice kindly provided by our innovative Healthy Eating kitchens, I would like to just take a few minutes to reflect on the academic year and to look forward to the future of Madhouse School.

Sadly we will be starting the new school year minus some of our key players and it is with sadness that we bid goodbye to our valued and long serving history teacher, Mrs Ann Tiquity.

Renowned for her enthusiastic adoption of active learning techniques, her attempts to fire up, literally, her bottom set with what can only be described as a truly kinaesthetic lesson on the Battle of the Somme proved too much for her, and for Room 8.

I understand that it is now possible to visit her in Wisteria Ward although short visits are encouraged and there is a ban on any under 18s within 100 yards of her bed.

In spite of the generous salary enhancement offered by the Government to shortage subjects, Mr Algy Brayist will be leaving the maths department after his first year of teaching.

I can only say that our loss will be the checkout at Tesco’s gain.

Following our staff survey, I am grateful for your suggestions as to how we should tackle underachievement in Key Stage 3 which has, as you know, impacted on our SAT results and consequently our standing in the league tables.

Among the more imaginative proposals was the scheme to install Sweeney Todd-style tip-up chairs in special assessment classrooms.

On taking a class test, those achieving below their expected score would be swiftly catapulted onto a subterranean conveyor belt, ending up in one of several “recovery” suites relevant to the subject in which they are underperforming.

Specialist teachers from the “Results ’R’ Us” agency would then engage in appropriate intervention work, or “teaching to the test” as it is sometimes known.

I am not sure, however, that the member of staff who proposed using a human cannon to ensure that students were meeting their expected grades, has quite grasped the meaning of the term “target setting”.

Next term we will of course be making every effort to comply with the statutory nutrient-based standards for school lunches.

Knowing that the preferred diet is chips, it is with this in mind that we are developing, in partnership with our catering team, the PsuedoChip; looking like a chip, it is however packed with all the regulation quantities of protein, carbohydrate, fat and fibre to say nothing of extra vitamins and minerals.

It will be available with a choice of three types of gravy; Zesty Zinc, Invigorating Iron and Cool Calcium.

There remains some work to be done to make them not taste like the by-product of an industrial processing plant.

Finally, we are all aware that we are due for an Ofsted inspection soon and staff should be aware that some aspects of inspection are changing.

If you arrive to find a helicopter in the yard disgorging suited figures then you will realise that we have been targeted for one of the new “no notice” inspections.

“Community cohesion” is now an area to be scrutinised and it is to this end that we are considering introducing the Madhouse After-School Bar and Widescreen TV Lounge following the demise of the local Dog and Duck pub.

It only remains for me to wish that after the break you will feel up to the challenges of the new school year.

Have a good holiday.