Last updated 22:38, Saturday, 19 April 2008

Award winning columnist Anne Pickles reflects on the non too shocking revelation that bottled water is no better for you than tap water.

By  ’eck that was a long time coming. Bottled water is no better for you than tap water, they’re telling us. No kidding! So the king really is in the altogether...  Hans Christian Andersen rules OK. It looks finally as though H2O’s couture days may be over, or at least entering a slow and painful designer decline. No more top dressing for the dinner table, hold the weekly shop’s fake chic. Truly cool thirst quenchers are going back to the kitchen sink, with nothing more glamorous than a humble tumbler in hand. How hip is that?

Monsieur Perrier has had his day. Lovely jugs are back – (no smut, please). Like that fairytale emperor in his embarrassing birthday suit, the marketing lords of posh water are covering their naughty bits and running for cover.

A sad day for monumental sales tricks... and their previously alfresco naughty bits.

United Utilities launched its attack on dedicated followers of water fashion only yesterday – and about time too. Sadly, in the interests of powerful persuasion, bosses are finding it necessary to create their own alternative, catchy fashion statement, which is a bit of a worry. Fashion has a habit of running out with the seasons. But maybe in this case Utilities might just have our money on a winner.

With a campaign called Tap Into Water – which has a way to go before matching United Colors of Benetton or Because We’re Worth It – they’ve decided to go for broke and coax us into turning on the faucet. It shouldn’t be that difficult but life is never as simple as it ought to be. They’ve a big job ahead of them – they want us to use what we’ve paid for.

They say there are major environmental and cost benefits to tap water, which is a promising start. Never underestimate the muscle in a statement of the blindingly obvious.

They also reckon restaurants could help point us towards reclaiming our lost senses by declaring themselves tap water friendly... for other than washing up, that is.

In terms of artfully employed psychology, it’s all a bit heavy duty – you know, laboured – for my liking. But maybe United Utilities is trying hard not to hurt our feelings, be impolite or offensive. Tap Into Water is much kinder than Only Stupid People Pay Twice. Nobody wants to be stupid.

How bottled water swept into our world to overwhelm with assumed must-have panache and stolen pseudo-style is a massive mystery. It’s not the kind of commodity famously thrifty northerners would instinctively throw hard-earned cash at, is it? A bit like fell-walking with a tank of fresh air strapped to your back. Not necessarily clever, you know?

But we sure fell for the dressed-up water ruse – hook, line and sinker. And we loved every expensive drop of it.

How many years ago was that... 20, 30, perhaps? There we all were with more tap water than we knew what to do with, bought and paid for on direct debit – and a phone line to shout abuse down when it turned brown – and still we spent over the odds on bottles of the stuff to clutter the fridge.

There’s a theory that it started when Brits took to package holidays and with no trust in foreign muck coming out of taps in Spain, brought the bottle habit back home. Come to think of it, lots of bad habits were carried home from those holidays. But that’s another story.

Then, following celebrity endorsement, we swallowed the health propaganda. Bottled water would be good for us... which is what they used to say about Marlboro cigarettes.

Water dug up from under mountains and peat bogs would be full of beneficial minerals, naturally preserved over thousands of years. Consume in large quantities before use-by date of three weeks hence or lose all hope of eternal youth. There should have been the clue – even to the gullible.

But now it seems we’re getting it – or so United Utilities hopes. The foolish fashion fad is losing steam and – what’s likely to help Tap Into Water on its way – so are our days of plenty. Necessary budgetary belt-tightening points to a willing return to the kitchen sink. Who wants to spend money (twice) on water, when there’s a gas bill, mortgage and cat food to fund?

It was perhaps bonkers but nice while it lasted but there’s merit in recognising reality. Bonkers is no longer affordable. Look on the bright side – less to carry, more room in the fridge, not so much plastic to cram into those infernal recycling sacks.

Sure, it might take a wee while to rebuild a relationship with that long-neglected tap. But hey; anything worth doing benefits from a bit of effort. Particularly when clothing the emperor’s naughty bits is so long overdue.