By Ian Coates

Last updated 14:12, Monday, 06 October 2008

I have committed a cardinal sin. It’s not murder, theft or even coveting my neighbour’s ass, (however nice it may be). No, my ‘crime’ was to buy an almost French car.

The mildew monster I used to own has finally gone to a better place, relieved of all transport duties and so in a moment of what could only be described as pure madness, I wandered the car dealers and main roads of the county looking for a model that was functional, pleasing to the eye and in my price range.

Unfortunately any model/make that was in the bargain basement.

But the range of cars was scoffed at by my children with cries of’ Oh no! Not again!’

I’m very aware of the ability to divorce your parents and with that threat lingering over me I thought I had better drain the Coffers of Coates Towers and get a car that would at least keep the children free of shame when they were in my company, hence my new acquisition. Well, new second hand, the coffers don’t stretch that far.

My policy has always been to not buy anything French. Well all right then, just apples. I don’t even know why. Perhaps it’s a latent xenophobia. I don’t actually know any French people and I am sure they are very nice.

It’s just that I don’t want to give them my money.

Come to think of it, I don’t want to give anyone my money. But that is not conducive to getting any car. You may be thinking these are the rantings of a somewhat insane man.

And after buying an almost French car I am inclined to agree with you but that sort of proves my point. I guess God is teaching me a lesson by influencing my preferences.

So to reconcile myself with my purchase, I have chosen to think that it is Japanese, a Puh-Jo 307. One of a kind shipped into this country by the descendant of Sir Gawain Andbuyit, an olde Englishe knight of good breeding and virtue( I hope).