Last updated 19:46, Thursday, 14 August 2008

THIS week I have been very much amused by a death notice in one of the quality dailies.

Obviously well-thought out and written by the deceased, it began: “I have reluctantly died, after a completely mediocre but nonetheless thoroughly enjoyable life,” before it went on to mention his family members by name and say: “I will miss them all and my friends. I will miss the sunshine, trees, music, good wine and clouds. Death is not the end, it is time to turn the page and start a new chapter.”

How much nicer than the usual “At the West Cumberland Hospital, John, dear husband of Jane . . .” etc.

Joseph, the man who wrote his own death notice, must have had a great sense of humour, and I’m sure the notice cheered up his family at a sad time and that they will always remember his words.

I have been a student of the births, marriages and deaths columns for years, but my favourites are the in memoriams. They all pay a little tribute to the loved one, usually in verse.

Some are simple, some are flowery, but all show that the deceased is not forgotten.

Years ago, a past editor of the Whitehaven News told me that his favourite was this one:

“What rapture with the angels; what joy beyond compare; when they saw our darling granny; tottering up the golden stair.”

My particular favourite, which must have cost a fortune, kept the deceased up to date with family events since his demise. It declared that he had become a grandfather to Kevin and Jade and my favourite verse went like this: “Darren and Tracy have just been wed; you couldn’t be there, for you are dead.”

You can imagine all the pencil-sucking that must have gone on to compose this touching tribute; the pity is that the object of all this affection would never see it, unless our circulation department has a secret delivery to Heaven that I don’t know about. If it does, it is nice to speculate that West Cumbrians up there look forward to Friday to see whether they have been remembered in the Times & Star.